Sweet Summer Connection

Ideas from an Emotionally Focused Therapy Perspective

Summer is a beautiful time to deepen emotional connections with loved ones, with the longer days of sunlight and warmer weather, we often see more opportunities for bonding. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasizes creating meaningful connections with intentional focus on emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.

Here are some ideas to enhance your emotional bonds this summer:

1. Engage in Outdoor Activities Together

Sharing experiences like hiking, picnicking, or going to the beach to enjoy nature and share moments together can strengthen your emotional connection. Being present with each other, being curious in conversation together, and mutual enjoyment are key in these activities.

2. Create Rituals of Connection

Establishing small, regular rituals can enhance your sense of security and togetherness. Whether it's a weekly BBQ night, morning coffee on the porch, or evening walks, these rituals provide consistent opportunities to check in with each other emotionally.

3. Explore New Adventures

Trying new activities together, such as kayaking, visiting a new town, or dancing, can reignite a sense of excitement and curiosity in your relationship. New experiences can create shared memories and deepen your bond as you look to your bond together to feel comfortable to risk.

4. Practice Mindful Listening

Take advantage of relaxed summer settings to practice mindful listening. Whether you’re relaxing by the pool or enjoying a sunset, use these moments to listen deeply to each other without distractions. This can help validate each other’s feelings and enhance emotional intimacy.

5. Have Heartfelt Conversations

Summer evenings are perfect for deeper conversations. Share your hopes, dreams, and fears as the sun sets or under the stars. Open and honest dialogues can reinforce your emotional connection, making you feel more understood and valued by your partner.

6. Unplug to Connect

Make a conscious effort to disconnect from electronic devices during your time together. This can help you focus on each other and fully engage in the moment, promoting a stronger emotional bond. Being present where you are not only helps you, it helps your partner, your kids, and anyone you come into interaction with to know that you’re with them in that moment.

7. Star Gazing

Find a quiet spot, lay down a blanket, and gaze at the stars together. The peacefulness of the night sky can create a perfect setting for intimate conversations and moments of reflection, enhancing your emotional closeness. Slowing down can be an important part of building connection. Make sure to create opportunities for rest and relaxation together to bring soothing and restoration in your relationship.

Bring these and your own ideas into your summer, so you can intentionally create a deeper, more emotionally fulfilling connection with your partner.
Remember, the essence of EFT is to foster emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.
Let this summer be a time to grow your relationship with genuine emotional connections.

Soothe Well and Stay Connected

Emotionally Focused Therapy: Hope for Couples in Distress

Searching for Hope

Relationships can be both rewarding and challenging. When couples face distress or conflict, it can feel like they're caught in an endless cycle of misunderstanding and emotional pain. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) offers a ray of hope for couples seeking to reconnect and build a stronger, more secure bond.
Explore the principles and techniques of EFT and how it can help couples navigate through their challenges and rediscover the love and connection they once shared.

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?

Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, is a structured approach to couples therapy grounded in attachment theory. It focuses on identifying and reshaping the emotional responses and patterns that drive a couple's interactions. EFT is based on the premise that emotions are the primary drivers of our behavior and that understanding and expressing our emotions in a healthy way can lead to more fulfilling and satisfying relationships.

Core Principles of EFT

• Attachment and Emotional Bonding: EFT emphasizes the importance of emotional bonding and attachment in a relationship. It views a secure emotional bond between partners as the foundation of a healthy relationship.

• Emotion as a Guide: EFT believes that emotions are not just reactions but also powerful guides that can help us understand our needs, desires, and fears. By exploring and understanding our emotions, we can gain insights into our relational patterns and make positive changes.

• Restructuring Interactional Patterns: EFT aims to identify and change the negative interactional patterns that couples get stuck in. By reshaping these patterns, couples can break free from destructive cycles and create more positive and supportive interactions.

The Three Stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy

Stage 1: De-escalation of Negative Cycles

In the first stage of EFT, an EFT therapist helps the couple identify and de-escalate the negative cycles or patterns of interaction that are causing distress in their relationship. These negative cycles often involve a pursuer and a withdrawer and can lead to feelings of disconnection, anger, and resentment.

An EFT therapist works with the couple to explore these patterns, understand the underlying emotions driving them, and develop new ways of interacting that promote connection and understanding.

Stage 2: Changing the Emotional Responses

In the second stage, the focus shifts to restructuring the emotional responses and attachment bonds within the relationship. The therapist helps the couple explore and express their underlying emotions and needs, fostering a deeper understanding and empathy between them.

Through guided conversations and interventions, the couple learns to communicate more openly and vulnerably, building a stronger emotional connection and sense of security in their relationship.

Stage 3: Putting it All Together

The final stage of EFT involves consolidating the gains made during therapy and integrating the new patterns of interaction into the couple's daily life. The therapist helps the couple reinforce their newfound connection and resilience, equipping them with the tools and strategies to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship long-term.

How EFT Helps Couples in Distress

Fosters Emotional Connection and Intimacy

One of the primary goals of EFT is to foster a secure emotional connection and intimacy between partners. By helping couples understand and express their emotions more effectively, EFT allows them to build a deeper, more meaningful connection with each other.

Improves Communication Skills

EFT emphasizes open, honest, and empathetic communication. Through guided conversations and interventions, couples learn to communicate more effectively, express their needs and feelings, and listen to and validate each other's experiences.

Breaks the Cycle of Negative Interactions

EFT helps couples break free from destructive cycles of interaction and replace them with more positive and supportive patterns. By identifying and reshaping these negative cycles, couples can create a safer and more nurturing environment for their relationship to thrive.

Enhances Relationship Satisfaction and Stability

Numerous studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of EFT in enhancing relationship satisfaction and stability. Couples who undergo EFT often report improved communication, greater emotional closeness, and a stronger sense of security in their relationship.

Is Emotionally Focused Therapy Right for You?

If you and your partner are experiencing distress in your relationship and are seeking to rebuild your connection and intimacy, Emotionally Focused Therapy may be the right approach for you. EFT is suitable for couples at any stage of their relationship and can be particularly beneficial for those facing challenges such as:

• Communication issues

• Emotional distance or disconnection

• Trust issues

• Conflict and unresolved arguments

• Escalations

• Infidelity or betrayal

Connect

Emotionally Focused Therapy offers an effective approach to helping couples in distress reconnect, rebuild, and strengthen their relationship. By focusing on emotions, attachment, and the restructuring of negative interactional patterns, EFT provides couples with the tools and strategies they need to navigate through their challenges and rediscover the love and connection they once shared.

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship and are ready to make a change, consider reaching out to a trained EFT therapist who can guide you on your journey towards healing, growth, and a more fulfilling relationship. Remember, it's never too late to seek help and invest in the health and happiness of your relationship.

Crucial Connections: Using EFT and Attachment Theory in Couples Therapy

Many times couples come into therapy not really knowing specifically what they need or want; they just know they need things to improve and want to have a better relationship! I most often hear things like, “We fight all the time!” “Things are fine, we just don’t really have much in common besides the kids” “If they would just pick up [the dish, the towel, the sock on the floor, etc] then we wouldn’t have these problems!” “We don’t have sex often enough!” “They are constantly nagging!” “They just sit there on the couch and don’t help!” “We just don’t know how to talk to each other” Around and around it goes, with both partner’s losing. I frequently use the example with my couples that a relationship is like a three-legged race (you know, when you partner up and they tie one of each partner’s legs together and you have to run; it’s hard and takes a surprising amount of coordination); if one partner falls, both partners fall; you need both partners to work together to be successful. It takes motivation, effort, communication, coordination, and a lot of listening and patience from BOTH partners.

A Little Bit of Emotionally Focused Therapy:

So, let’s dive into understanding the core of our relationships—connection.
We'll explore the brilliance of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Attachment Theory, both of which I use as my primary method in helping couples Soothe Well and Stay Connected.
To give credit where credit is due, John Bowlby as early as the late 1950s was sharing these theories and ideas, which is incredible for that time period. Sue Johnson followed and really sharpened and applied attachment theory into couples therapy in the 1980s, which became the pivotal focus of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). 

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps us know and validate that our deep need for emotional connection isn't just for the RomComs and Hallmark movie– it's a basic need for our survival. EFT helps couples tune into their emotions and attachment needs. Instead of getting lost in the endless cycle patterns of blame and criticism, EFT helps couples slow down, learn to recognize and eventually share their fears and longings. By doing so, EFT helps couples reshape the dynamic of their relationship, moving from distress in disconnection to comfort in connection.

A Little Bit of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory helps us understand our relationships with others. Our earliest relationships, usually with our first caregivers (i.e. parent(s), a grandparent, a nanny, etc.) shape our "attachment styles." Whether you're securely attached, anxiously attached, avoidantly attached, or a combination, influences how you connect with your partner. Understanding these attachment styles can be a game-changer. It helps couples recognize patterns, heal past wounds, and create a secure emotional bond together. While it is helpful to know and understand attachment styles, it is also to note that these are not concrete labels. What is incredible about attachment styles is that they have the ability to change. It’s also important to remember that while we tend to have a typical “go to” attachment style, our most common method of attachment style, our most frequently used “moves” that doesn’t mean we won’t ever use different moves or that we are incapable of doing so. Knowing your attachment style and your partner’s attachment style is similar to knowing your best guesses to the common patterns you and your partner make in the relationship. EFT helps us to identify and use this awareness to support and build healthy growth in the relationship.

The Dance of Connection

Sue Johnson loves her tango dancing! She often uses the metaphor of a dance to illustrate the couples relationship. So, imagine your relationship as a dance. Sometimes it's a beautiful tango, flowing together smoothly and other times it feels more clunky, stepping on each other’s toes and without any rhythm. Still, other couples might look like the classic middle school dance in the gym where no one is dancing! That’s a big issue. Through the lens of EFT and attachment theory, we see that this dance is a reflection of our deepest needs and fears being played out.

The good news is you're not stuck. You don’t have to dance the same way you always have; if you lost the in sync connection you once had, if you have been hurt by getting your toes stepped on, or even if you feel like you never really had much rhythm to begin with, EFT can help you dance in a loving embrace with your partner.
The other good news is that you don’t have to actually know how to do the tango or any other dances (I don’t either!), but we can work together as a team to help you learn the emotional moves that help you and your partner thrive together in an emotionally connected relationship.

In EFT, couples learn to:

• Tune into emotions: Rather than shutting down or lashing out, partners learn to express their feelings and needs.

• Break the cycle: Recognizing patterns of interaction allows couples to step back and choose a more loving, connected response.

• Create a secure bond: By fostering emotional accessibility and responsiveness, couples nurture a safe and loving connection.

So, with EFT and attachment theory, couples create and build connection that is a core need to every human. By understanding our emotional needs and tuning into the dance (patterns) of our relationships, we can experience love and intimacy that lasts.

If you're curious about how EFT and attachment theory can strengthen your relationship, reach out to connect with EFT Couples Therapy or EFIT Individual Therapy.


Soothe Well & Stay Connected,

~Sara Schramer, MA LCPC

Compassion: The risk that connects us all

I think if I could give all humans just one quality it would be compassion. Compassion. For ourselves. For others. It is the ultimate connector of our shared experience as humans. We need it so much that we even have it wired into our brains. So maybe it’s less of a quality I would want to give to all humans, they already have it, but the quality I would want to enliven the most. Our brains are fascinating, that they are so intricately designed is beyond enthralling. The need we have for human connection and understanding is so core to our existence that the ability to feel with others in tenderness stirs in all of us. It’s incredible. That regardless of race, religion, socioeconomic standing, when others are hurting, we are moved to feel with them. We see it so apparently during tragedies, collective traumas, and the hardships of life, when people, strangers even, band together. It’s not just the “feel good” moments, because true compassion requires a measure of sacrifice, to go deeply into our own vulnerable emotions to meet someone else in theirs. This brave act powerfully captures what I believe are the best parts of our humanity. 

Compassion, wired in, so deeply connecting, and so necessary to our lived experiences, why would it ever fade into the background? Over time, through many of life’s painful experiences, we are sometimes hardened to ourselves and to others, and in a means of protection, we wall up, close off. It’s so disheartening, as humans sometimes we protect ourselves in ways that lock us behind walls, alone and without resources, like the connection of others; the act of isolation itself needs compassion, after all, if we had better ways to handle it, we would. This walled off experience shuts us away from exactly what we need- to be seen, heard, and understood by another. The longer we stay trapped without connection, the greater the loneliness that sets in, heavy and unrelenting. From there it’s a slippery slope to fading compassion, harsher views of self and others, and a disconnect that ushers in any variety of mental health issues. 

With compassion as such a core need, how do we hold onto it, keeping it alive and active in our lives for ourselves and others? Practice and repetition. We don’t truly overuse compassion; as long as we have healthy boundaries (see Blog #2). Compassion goes beyond merely thinking of what it might be like for someone else, it’s feeling with them in their experience. I don’t have to like or agree with their opinions or perspectives; it is when I allow myself to vulnerably meet them in their emotion of their own experience that allows us to connect with compassion. Compassion is a risk, because many of us are afraid of losing our own grounded stance, and the idea of softening to another can feel as if we are condoning or aligning ourselves with someone we might disagree with, which although that isn’t true, the fear is real. Other times, it’s going to our own vulnerable emotions that feels absolutely terrifying; to have compassion for someone who is hurting and devastatingly sad is me going to those dark places in my own life where I am familiar with the heaviness of those emotions, and for some of us, the idea of that feels immensely out of control. These fears that drive us often limit us from practicing compassion, both within ourselves and with others. So we stayed zipped up, trying to protect, while actually becoming the most vulnerable of all, isolated and alone. 

Compassion looks like hearing the emotional experience of another human and being moved in my own body, thoughts, and feelings, to stir with desire to meet them where they are at, to seek further understanding through acknowledging, validating, and helping to hold their experience with them while emotionally sharing the moment with them. It’s powerful and connecting. It allows for both people to experience themselves more deeply. 

Compassion is something that we all have, wired in for ourselves and one another, and something that we desperately need to slow down and create space for within our lives.

Soothe Well & Stay Connected,

~Sara Schramer, MA LCPC

Seasonal Significance

It’s that time of the year, Daylight Savings has hit, we see the sun less, it gets colder, and holidays are right around the corner. 

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is more common than sometimes we realize. It can be helpful to gently check in with your body:

• Am I feeling down/sad frequently?

• Am I frequently tired/low energy?

• Am I losing interest in things repeatedly?

Sometimes we have a down day, but if we are experiencing these things more frequently, it might be time to check in with a qualified therapist or other support. In the meantime, there are some things that can help address those seasonal challenges:

• Find something you enjoy about the season (a tradition, hobby, practice, etc.)

• Find at least one person to check in with to share your experiences

• Create a routine to follow 

• Practice compassion for yourself and others

• Read or listen to a book you’re interested in

• Get movement for your body each day (stretching, walking, yoga, etc.)

• Learn something new (podcast, TedTalks, YouTube, etc.)

• Consider Light Therapy/using a Light Therapy Lamp

• Check in with a loved one

• Practice mindfulness and meditation

• Limit your alcohol 

• Make a nutrient based meal

• Take time for yourself; choose something that refreshes you

• Set boundaries that support your needs

• Regulate your sleep (waking up at the same time and going to bed at the same time)

• Focus on 1-3 things you can do each day and celebrate your accomplishments

• Volunteer

• Get outside in nature (bundle up)

• Get together with someone you enjoy

• Journal (What are your needs, goals, things you look forward to, etc.)

• Do a creative art project (paint, draw, knit, etc.)

• Make a list of your own ideas 

If you need support, make sure to focus on connecting with someone while you try to take small steps in addressing these seasonal changes; we do better together.

Soothe Well & Stay Connected,

~Sara Schramer, MA LCPC

Boundaries: Listening to Your Body

Boundaries help us to navigate the spaces we are in, the people we are with, and what we choose to do in response to each of these things. Boundaries can be very simple, and yet, many of us have a difficult time establishing our own boundaries. We often struggle with boundaries when we first misinterpret the purpose and function of boundaries. Boundaries are about what I will do or not do; boundaries are not about what I can get you to do or not do. 

Boundaries also involve a level of distress tolerance; when we set a boundary, we need to also understand that others may have a reaction to our boundaries. Someone having a reaction to our boundaries does not necessitate changing our boundary. As long as we have been thoughtful of our needs and wants and continue to determine the boundary is how we are choosing to interact, then we need to be able to build distress tolerance for someone else’s emotions and experiences, even if they are different than our own. Sometimes this means setting another emotional boundary for ourselves and how we want to process the emotional reaction we received from another. 

I love using our body as a means of learning more about ourselves, specifically when it comes to boundaries. Our bodies provide an incredible amount of data to us, sometimes at an alarming rate! Our bodies enjoy homeostasis, being balanced, and congruence. Think of an equal sign (=); our bodies tend to like when what we think, feel, and believe match up with what we do and say. We call this “congruence.” When we don’t match up our actions with what we think, feel, and believe, we can experience cognitive dissonance; this is a difficult experience for most. The body has a way of letting us know this is what is happening, often by providing sensory information such as tension. Tension is one of the very common ways our body communicates with us; our chest feeling tight, our stomach turning, our legs bouncing, our shoulders cringing, etc. Often times, we dismiss these signals as purely physical; other times, we label these sensations as “bad” and quickly move away from them. We often don’t realize that these sensations are our body’s way of communicating, especially when we feel strong emotions. Listening to your body can be a helpful way to understand your experience and what your body needs and wants. 

Body mindfulness is the practice of tuning into your body. Imagine a volume dial; when the music plays quietly in the background, we may not pay as much attention to it or even notice it. Body mindfulness is learning to tune in and turn up the volume dial of your body. This takes practice. Practicing doesn’t make perfect, but it can make “better.” The more we practice and develop this skill, the more we are able to improve our boundary setting.

We are all humans, learning, applying, learning some more, and so it goes. That means, even with boundaries, we are likely to need to revisit boundaries from time to time, either because we missed something important, or perhaps we have changed, learned something new, or need something different. This is where body mindfulness can be more helpful than even just our prefrontal cortex, the logical part of our brain. Our prefrontal cortex is really good at rational, collected thoughts. The prefrontal cortex is only one part of our complex brain system. While it can be very helpful in the process, we still need to rely heavily on body mindfulness in setting boundaries. This way, instead of this is what I think my boundary “should” be, it becomes more about this is what my body is letting me know I need right now and I can evaluate later if that changes. It allows us to move out of unnecessarily rigid boundaries into boundaries that flow with our growth and changes. 

Learning to listen to your body might look like checking in with yourself and asking some curious questions:

—How do I feel when I am in this place? What happens in my body?

—How do I feel when I am with this person or people? What happens in my body?

—How do I feel when I am doing this behavior? What happens in my body?

—How do I feel when I am interacting with someone and they do this/don’t do that? What happens in my body?

—How does this fit with my values? What happens in my body?

—How does this fit with my goals? What happens in my body?

Consider coming up with some personalized questions for yourself. If you know there is a personal struggle you have, see if you can check in closely with that particular issue; if you struggle with people pleasing tendencies, ask yourself, is this in support of what I need or is this for someone else at the cost of my own needs being met? What happens in my body? 

Ultimately, our boundaries are our personal responsibility and no one else’s. We cannot control others’ behaviors, even if we clearly state our boundaries. It is our responsibility to advocate, acknowledge, and take action in our own boundaries; this allows us to practice congruence (remember, our bodies like that equal sign!). When we set a boundary, whether spoken or unspoken, and someone violates it, our body reacts. We experience this as a sensation somewhere in our body, often with tension. We often focus on this as the primary issue, however, if we slow down, we can begin to see that it is not always only the first violation, but also additionally our own boundary violation of not taking action that supports and upholds our own boundary, such as taking a step back, stating we will not discuss that topic, or leaving the situation, etc. It is because of this, that we can continue to have lingering tension within our bodies, like a reverberating shockwave or ripple effect. Again, we are constantly learning, we do that best when we are compassionate with ourselves, so when we learn something new, ideally we can take a breath, take in the new information, and adjust as needed. This adjustment, or pivot can be a crucial step in taking care of ourselves through new ways of interacting. 

Boundaries are a constant “work in progress” type of learning. Taking time to scan our body, check in with what is working and what is not, and pivoting as needed are important parts of the process. We have to be patient with ourselves as we navigate these experiences and continue to look for opportunities to grow in the ways that serve us well.

Soothe Well & Stay Connected,

~Sara Schramer, MA LCPC

My Beginnings…

What a start! It started as a maybe, someday, a far off, later in life goal- one without any steps to go about achieving it. It came up more in casual conversations of dreams and aspirations, where do you see yourself…? Then it became a greater want, to create more, to lead more, and focus more. Eventually, with assessing the environment around me, it became a need. In my own work, I’ve learned to check in with myself and evaluate. When my needs are no longer being met, can I address the issues and advocate for change? When I face blocks and barriers, can I pivot in other ways to meet my needs? In realizing I needed to pivot to live into my values and create a space where my ongoing growth is prioritized, I began opening more options to myself. So often continuing the path I’m on “makes sense” when other times it making sense is about complacency gridlocked in fear. The echoing needs ringing out became stronger and my listening became more intent. I’ve learned to lean in, to acknowledge, and validate my values- this is where I thrive. When my needs are louder than my comfort of the knowns, I act courageously. And step by step I walk, timidly, bravely, confidently, and with any emotion my body needs to bring with. I’ve learned to make space for it all- that scared and brave can walk hand in hand together. With each step I developed my focus and plans based on my values- my preferred decision making process- and created a wellspring of growth. Forming a space that prioritizes feelings of safety and security, while emphasizing soothing in the experienced connection within healthy relationship, embraces my passions, professionally and personally, in ways that far exceed the early beginnings of my maybe, someday. The start for me was not simply goal achievement, but has become a healing and growing experience of living into my values and sharing in the compassionate learning adventure.

~Sara Schramer, MA LCPC

COMING SOON…Blog Posts!

I will be combining my love of writing with my passion for mental health therapy and related topics. I am excited for this new adventure and feel thankful for the opportunity to share my Therapist Thoughts with you.

Soothe Well and Stay Connected.

~Sara Schramer