Compassion: The risk that connects us all
I think if I could give all humans just one quality it would be compassion. Compassion. For ourselves. For others. It is the ultimate connector of our shared experience as humans. We need it so much that we even have it wired into our brains. So maybe it’s less of a quality I would want to give to all humans, they already have it, but the quality I would want to enliven the most. Our brains are fascinating, that they are so intricately designed is beyond enthralling. The need we have for human connection and understanding is so core to our existence that the ability to feel with others in tenderness stirs in all of us. It’s incredible. That regardless of race, religion, socioeconomic standing, when others are hurting, we are moved to feel with them. We see it so apparently during tragedies, collective traumas, and the hardships of life, when people, strangers even, band together. It’s not just the “feel good” moments, because true compassion requires a measure of sacrifice, to go deeply into our own vulnerable emotions to meet someone else in theirs. This brave act powerfully captures what I believe are the best parts of our humanity.
Compassion, wired in, so deeply connecting, and so necessary to our lived experiences, why would it ever fade into the background? Over time, through many of life’s painful experiences, we are sometimes hardened to ourselves and to others, and in a means of protection, we wall up, close off. It’s so disheartening, as humans sometimes we protect ourselves in ways that lock us behind walls, alone and without resources, like the connection of others; the act of isolation itself needs compassion, after all, if we had better ways to handle it, we would. This walled off experience shuts us away from exactly what we need- to be seen, heard, and understood by another. The longer we stay trapped without connection, the greater the loneliness that sets in, heavy and unrelenting. From there it’s a slippery slope to fading compassion, harsher views of self and others, and a disconnect that ushers in any variety of mental health issues.
With compassion as such a core need, how do we hold onto it, keeping it alive and active in our lives for ourselves and others? Practice and repetition. We don’t truly overuse compassion; as long as we have healthy boundaries (see Blog #2). Compassion goes beyond merely thinking of what it might be like for someone else, it’s feeling with them in their experience. I don’t have to like or agree with their opinions or perspectives; it is when I allow myself to vulnerably meet them in their emotion of their own experience that allows us to connect with compassion. Compassion is a risk, because many of us are afraid of losing our own grounded stance, and the idea of softening to another can feel as if we are condoning or aligning ourselves with someone we might disagree with, which although that isn’t true, the fear is real. Other times, it’s going to our own vulnerable emotions that feels absolutely terrifying; to have compassion for someone who is hurting and devastatingly sad is me going to those dark places in my own life where I am familiar with the heaviness of those emotions, and for some of us, the idea of that feels immensely out of control. These fears that drive us often limit us from practicing compassion, both within ourselves and with others. So we stayed zipped up, trying to protect, while actually becoming the most vulnerable of all, isolated and alone.
Compassion looks like hearing the emotional experience of another human and being moved in my own body, thoughts, and feelings, to stir with desire to meet them where they are at, to seek further understanding through acknowledging, validating, and helping to hold their experience with them while emotionally sharing the moment with them. It’s powerful and connecting. It allows for both people to experience themselves more deeply.
Compassion is something that we all have, wired in for ourselves and one another, and something that we desperately need to slow down and create space for within our lives.
Soothe Well & Stay Connected,
~Sara Schramer, MA LCPC